Whistleblower
By Gee Kane
April 4, 2008
I have had enough. And I know you Tee’s Weekly faithful readers have too. Tee’s Weekly Founder Tee has gone unchecked for too long. His inexplicably high placement of Duke in Tee’s Top 10 all year was bad enough, but when he picked Washington State to beat North Carolina last week I thought to my self, I must have the dumbest boss in the country.
Therefore, I must step up like Jeffrey Wigand and Paul Van Buitenen before me and be the whistleblower that lets the people know that Tee, founder of Tee’s weekly, is off his freaking rocker. If only someone would do the same for the Yankees, they could save themselves from missing the playoffs for the next five years.
Tee has a bad case of west coast bias for a kid who’s never stepped foot anywhere west of Tiger Stadium. Last week he wrote that Washington State “should be able to frustrate the Heels offensively.” Well if the Tar Heels were frustrated, it was only because they were hoping to blow out the Cougars by more than the 21 points that they did. If Washington State played North Carolina 100 times, the Cougars would win every time the Tar Heels didn’t get off the bus. And they would lose by double digits every other time.
Tee’s list of endless BS is long and includes a top-10 ranking for Drake, Vanderbilt, and Indiana this year--three teams that won a combined zero games in the tournament. Tee wrote at one point this year, “Don't be surprised if St. Louis eventually knocks off one of the ranked teams in the A-10. You can't keep a man like Majerus down for long.”
This statement, unlike many of Tee’s statements, might have actually come true if only St. Louis had a ranked opponent left on its schedule. You might wonder why I would even continue to write for Tee’s when Tee is such a fountain of misinformation. Well, it’s the same reason I tell my wife that I have accepted invitations to play at a couple of top golf courses in the U.S. that just happen to not allow women on the grounds: I really want to change things and it is easier to do it from the inside.
Under the Whistleblower Protection Act of 2007 not only have I received immunity but I have also been introduced to the man to be the instrument of change at Tee’s Weekly. And so, it is with great pleasure that I am able to announce today that we have assigned Tee’s Weekly new Director of Correct Answers, Trevor K, to 24-hour surveillance of Tee’s bull****. Every time Trevor K catches Tee talking some nonsense like, “Wisconsin’s defense is better than Georgetown’s” or the “Orioles will win 80 games” or the “Atlantic 10 is a good basketball conference,” he will immediately dock Tee 200 calories from his daily intake—the most stern punishment the executive board of Tee’s could come up with.
How will Trevor K know when Tee is not speaking the truth? Well for one, Tee’s lips will be moving and it is pretty tough to get anything by Trevor K. When the subject of Earnest Byner came up this week in a staff meeting, Crazy Dee asked Trevor if he knew that Byner eventually won a Super Bowl with Redskins after his infamous “The Fumble” play against the Broncos. Trevor in return asked Dee if he knew who the punter was for the Broncos that kicked the free kick after the safety that followed “The Fumble” (Mike Horan out of Long Beach State if you’re wondering).
I knew Trevor was the man for calling “I doubt it” on Tee after he told Dee that Mike Horan was eventually signed by the Giants when they waived Sean Landeta. Oh yeah, Trevor also mentioned casually that this took place in November of 1993—two years before Trevor was born. Just in case you’re not convinced of Trevor’s credentials, later in the day he ranked the top five right guards ever to play for the Oakland Raiders.
Tee, now that Trevor is on staff, consider yourself warned. If you want to see any pizza, chocolate, or steak coming your way you will follow the advice your mother once gave you: take your bottom lip and press it as tight as you can to your top lip. It might not be a bad idea to take the screen of your laptop and press it tight to your keyboard.