Q&A WITH A FORMER HGH USER
On December 13, 2007, Senator George Mitchell released a 400-page report on his independent investigation into the illegal use of steroids and other performance-enhancing substances by players in Major League Baseball. Already baseball people of all kinds are scrambling to predict the effect that the report will have on the history of America’s pastime.
One thing is sure, illegal steroids and performance-enhancing substances make you a better baseball player. Furthermore, the argument that your body breaks down and shortens your career becomes weaker when the most enduring images of an entire era of baseball will be two bloated, sweating mid-40-somethings. One black, one white; one a hitter, one a pitcher; one lefty, one a righty – they will forever more be the first two images shown when the era of baseball is discussed.
The sports that have remained unstained by steroids and performance-enhancing substances have been soccer and basketball. Since soccer is a pinko Communist sport and because this is Tee’s Weekly, we sought to investigate round ball. The full writing staff of Tee’s Weekly felt that everyone that touches baseball has been soiled by the steroid scandal from the players: the commissioner, the general managers, the clubhouse attendants, that 90-year-old dude that brings the ump more baseballs in Camden Yards, the guy that runs in the Abraham Lincoln outfit at RFK, Kevin Gilligan (Red Sox third-base line foul ball boy 1988-1989), and yes, the media.
On behalf of the Tee’s Weekly staff, I have been asked to apologize to our fans for not asking more questions about steroids until Jose Canseco started giving us the answers. So, we would like to make amends by being the first in the media to analyze steroids in basketball.
To answer our questions we have brought in a former performance-enhancing substance abuser. He has agreed to answer all of our questions, but asked that we not refer to him by his real name. We will call him Big Irish Tank.
TW: What substances did you use and for how long?
Big Irish Tank: Let me first say that I'm delighted that Senator Mitchell declined to name me in his report. I think it exonerates me of any wrongdoing and is a testament to my innocence (as well as having several prominent friends in a certain secret military organization in Ireland that threatened to derail the peace process if I was named). Since the investigation is over, my lawyer has now advised me that I can answer all questions pertaining to my involvement with Human Growth Hormone. I'd like to thank my family, friends, and my old George Washington University floormate Mark Kennedy for keeping their mouths shut and remembering that a special investigator without subpoena power has about as much power as a Paula Abdul endorsement.
TW: How about we start answering some questions. And don't give us some Brian Roberts "I only did it once" answer.
Big Irish Tank: Fair enough. I used the prescription "medication" Genotropin from my freshman year of high school to my sophomore year of college. In that time I went from 4’9”, 86 lbs. to 5’8” 145 lbs. Basically, I went from one of the infant twins in “Angela's Ashes” to the Big Irish Tank.
TW: What exactly is Genotropin?
Big Irish Tank: It's the most common form of Human Growth Hormone. Some doctors have argued that it doesn't actually improve athletic performance since it grows everything in proportion (as opposed to steroids, which primarily grow muscles). I tend to have my doubts, especially since I was able to do 100 one-arm push-ups immediately after an "accidental" triple dose. I was delighted to hear that Genotripin had been the favorite drug of Gary Matthews, Jr., who was released by the mighty Baltimore Orioles and managed to dramatically improve his performance a few years later at the age of 31 and eventually signed a $50 million deal with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
TW: Did people treat you any differently after you started using performance-enhancing drugs?
Big Irish Tank: Not really. I did pick up a few forfeits my freshman year in wrestling. Apparently when the foam started coming out of my mouth certain people had second thoughts. On the other hand it was difficult to get someone to pass me the ball in soccer for fear that I might try and one-touch pass right back to them. I think it's fair to say my soccer touch wouldn't be described as delicate.
TW: Based on your experience, what benefits, if any, do you think steroids or performance-enhancing substances would offer for a college basketball player?
Big Irish Tank: I'm not completely sure, but you might want to ask Joey Dorsey at Memphis and DeJuan Blair at Pittsburgh. If you see any player that looks like he isn't that interested in taking shots but is really interested in grabbing every single offensive rebound, that's usually a good indicator of an HGH abuser. Also, if he feels the need to eat a cheeseburger during every TV timeout, that's another definite symptom.
TW: Did you experience any other changes to your body?
Big Irish Tank: The Tank ain't talking.