Tee's Weekly Guide to the Off Season
By Gee Kane
April 11, 2008
You thought, like me, when the college basketball season tipped off in November that your team was going to win the national championship. They failed to do so. Now we’re half a year away from midnight madness. As my dad said many times, what the hell are you going to do with your life, son?
Tee’s is here to help with a guide to the college basketball off-season.
VIDEO GAMES: Many people have wondered what the appropriate age group for playing video games is and the answer is that vids are for everyone. There are educational videos for kids fresh out of the womb and physical fitness games for the elderly to keep their joints greased. For those of you in-between, I recommend buying MLB 08 and starting a franchise and playing a game every day your favorite team plays. You can call up guys from Triple A and not worry about the arbitration implications. I mean if Matt Weiters can hit .375 for the Keys in Frederick and .485 on my PS3 in Fells Point, why can’t he do that everyday for the O’s in Baltimore?
You can do things like drill Ryan Howard in the ear hole immediately after a home run and not worry about getting charged—even though my friend Devin swears that batters will charge you. I eventually called BS after my entire pitching staff was recently ejected without one batter taking a step towards the mound. I would also recommend buying some old school games for four or five bucks. I recently downloaded TwistedMetal 2 for a fin. Downloading games is pretty quick, but more importantly, it spares you the humiliation of being the only person in your local GameStop that doesn’t have homework that night.
Five thousand minutes later on TwistedMetal2 and I’m still amazed at the value. I’m mean, they’re basically paying me to play. If you’re wondering who’s the best gamer on Tee’s staff—I know, took the words right out of your mouth, right? —just know that this week I scored five goals on Crazy Dee in a single FIFA game and I struck 18 of Tee’s batters in a nine-inning MLB 08 game and, yes, I also just turned 32 years old.
TIGER: Tee’s Weekly’s Timee has Tiger Woods pajamas and he wears a Tiger Woods autographed glove on Sundays when Tiger is in contention. So, when Tiger weighed aloud the possibility of a Grand Slam at the beginning of this year, Timee’s wife had to immediately give him a paper bag to prevent hyperventilation.
This week the 2008 golf season really begins with the Masters and Tiger is an unbelievably even money favorite against the field. He might be an even greater favorite at the US Open at Torrey Pines this summer. Even if he fails to win both of those tournaments he will be must watch TV on Sunday afternoons for the entire summer. We are blessed to be watching a once-in-a-millennium athlete in his absolute prime. One note here, I’ve heard a lot of folks recently wonder if Tiger has got a little help of the BALCO variety. People point to his dominance and change in body type and muscle tone as evidence. We’ve been watching Tiger since he was in his teens and he has probably put on 40 pounds since his amateur days.
Well, that makes two of us. I thought it was at least possible until I saw Tiger in person last summer. In person he looks fit, but not at all bulky or super-toned as he does on the small screen. Furthermore, I just don’t think Tiger is in the habit of taking short cuts like other elite athletes such as Alex Rodriguez. Look for a juice-related A-Rod injury this year. I’ve taken “torn pectoral” and “hemorrhaging acne, backne, and assne” in the Tee’s staff pool.
ORIOLES: The band wagon still has room but is filling up faster than the Mrs. Spitzer’s moving van. Kevin Millar predicted the Orioles would win the World Series two months ago and now it is basically a lock. The Orioles have great defense up the middle, great speed, two five-tool outfielders under 25, proven veteran leadership, a great bullpen, and the biggest requirement of any World Series contender—a closer that rocks a hat with a brim that’s as flat as home plate. The Yankees starting rotation will turn into a triage tent in a month and the Red Sox will be jet-lagged for another two months from their trip to Japan. Orioles’ magic is real and is sweeping Baltimore. Almost overnight, the question of the day in Mobtown has changed from will the O’s lose 100 games to do the O’s have any weaknesses? The answer is that the Orioles have no weakness other than absolutely no starting pitching, but since when is that important?
WALKS: And I don’t mean the Daniel Cabrera kind. If you want to spend your entire Sunday doing whatever you want without your wife nagging you to death, offer to take a walk with her on Saturday. What do you do on walks? You walk. There is no score to keep or game clock. There is no purpose or end goal. You put on some comfortable shoes and some sunglasses and just stroll. When you turn on your TV at noon this Saturday, there will be no college basketball. So, if you want something in your relationship, whether it be in the living room, bedroom, or garage, ask your partner at noon on Saturday, “hey honey, you feel like taking a walk?” The response will be off the charts. You’re welcome.
BICYCLE-KICKS: As great as walks are, they aren’t strenuous enough physically and aren’t a great workout. Well, I have a great way to get the exercise that will have you looking great when its time for the beach. It’s called a bicycle kick and it’s a soccer shot. It’s best to have a lot of soccer balls and a partner to serve balls to you, but you can practice all by yourself in your living room if necessary. A more detailed instruction article is sure to follow shortly from Dr. Old School, but until then, I’ll give you the gist. You turn so your back is facing the goal, jump as high as you can off your right foot, then just lift your left foot over your head, and then scissor kick the ball with your right foot and land on your back. Here’s a compilation video to demonstrate. Don’t get frustrated if you have trouble at first. So far in competition, I am 0 for 283 attempts, but it looks fantastic and you can’t beat the workout.
SUNDAES: After a long day of practicing bicycle kicks, you are going to need some nourishment. The best way to do this, especially during the summer, is with the homemade sundae. Ingredients: ½ gallon of Breyer’s Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream, 1 banana split long ways, 1 slightly undercooked brownie, 1/3 cup of Hershey’s chocolate sauce. Mix and enjoy.
SUMMER LEAGUES: Basketball gets less structured and perhaps more fun as the temperatures rise. Summer leagues provide an excellent fix for your hoops jones. The Washington D.C. Kenner League is legendary and you never know who might show up (like the day in 1994 when Allen Iverson showed up and announced his presence in the district with a jaw-dropping alley-oop dunk). This was also the best day of my life; my wedding day was a very, very distant second. I wonder how I can find out if my wife really reads Tee’s Weekly. Hey, at least I put my wedding day over being named Boy’s Club basketball league MVP in 1987.
BILAS: A lot of people hate Jay Bilas. Well, Jay has always been pretty fair to my favorite college hoops team and I still hate him. His tone is the same as Tom Brady’s and Bill Belichik’s, which is: everyone else is a gaping a****** except for me. During a game, 98 percent of what he says is negative and he comes across as someone who still has Coach K in his ear. So, enjoy a six-month break from Bilas. During the season he’s unavoidable, but you can sit outside, smoke a cigar, and do anything but listen to his grating shrill voice.
#1 PICK: If you need a basketball fix, enjoy speaking and arguing about who should be the number one pick in the NBA draft. The idea that Kevin Love should be the first pick is funny to me. Any team that talks itself into Rose over Beasley will regret it for a long time. In other draft news, Syracuse’s Freshman Dante Greene declared for the draft this week. He said at his press conference, “After speaking with my family and Coach Boeheim, as difficult as the pay cut will be, I’ve decided to make myself eligible for the NBA.”
HATE. Now that you can’t hate on Duke, here’s one last extended Coach K-hater rant before the year ends. Look how well his underlings have done in head jobs. Mike Brey, Tommy Amaker, Henderson, Snyder, Jeff Capel, Bender, etc. Combined, Coach K’s coaching tree has more scandals than Sweet Sixteen victories. You’re going to need some place to direct that hate. I suggest the directing it at the Yankees. If it took Derek Jeter 16 minutes to get off the ground after a separated shoulder, I think it will take him three months to come back from a bum quad.
185 days to Midnight Madness—hang in there, kids.