REALLY BAD NFL PICKS
By Gee Kane

The famous history teacher Mr. Abbott used to tell his students there were two ways to get an A+ on his tests. One way was to answer every question correctly and the other way was to answer every question incorrectly. If you were able to achieve zero percent (tests were about 80 percent true-false) he would give you full credit. So, by Mr. Abbott’s grading methods, I received an A+ for my picks last week! I don’t want to gloat, so I’m just going to keep the momentum going for this week. And just like last week, these picks suck. As one reader emailed last week, “I know I’m losing money this week, ‘cause I love every pick you made.”

Jacksonville vs New England -13 (probably -31 by kickoff)
What’s the worst possible Super Bowl combination right now? Jacksonville vs Seattle? Good thing we don’t have to worry about that because the Seahawks ain’t making shit, but Jacksonville is. David Garrard is twice the player Tom Brady is half the time. Those creaky old juice-monster Patriots linebackers will be looking at Garrard’s name on the back of his jersey as he runs by them all day. Not only that, the Jags defense will get to Brady and bother him. He will become flustered and start throwing the ball up for grabs like a wedding bouquet. Oh wait, never mind, Tom doesn’t make it to too many weddings. He is due to have an atrocious game and Jack Del Rio is just the coach to force him into that nightmare. You WILL see him snapping off his chinstrap in disgust in the fourth quarter. These Jaguars have an edge to them and they are going to have a carefree, nothing-to-lose air about them that will carry them to a shocking road win.

Pick: Jacksonville Jaguars. In a four-point straight winner.

San Diego vs Indianapolis -8.5
The greatest character in the history of any medium, Snoop Pearson from the HBO show “The Wire”, had one line in the opening show on Sunday and it is appropriate for this game. It was “And we will be brief with all you muhafuckers , I think you know.”
I don’t believe that San Diego at any point in the season has had reason to believe that this is their year. They won a playoff game last week, which diverts that ultra-bright San Diego media spotlight away from the organization for not gaining anything from firing Marty Schottenheimer last season. Did you see what Norv Turner was doing at the end of last week’s game? When your coach is Norv Turner and he’s literally dancing on the sideline, it means that your season is complete. The Chargers can book their tee times for next Sunday at the ultra-posh Wales Vagina Golf & Country Club . The Colts are gonna be brief with these muhafuckas , I think you know.

Pick: Indianapolis Colts. Colts by three scores.

New York vs Dallas -7.5
I’ll admit I was a little hard on Ellie Manning last week. I thought Ellie would play much worse. And so, from the bottom of my heart, I apologize to her. These teams are going in opposite directions. The Giants went on the road to Buffalo and won to clinch a playoff spot, then they showed up against the mighty Patriots when they had no reason to. Last weekend they won a road playoff game. The Cowboys, on the other hand, have scored a total of 32 points in their last three games and lost two of them. The bye week sounds like it’s not really helping T.O. get healthy, but it’s only giving them more time to contemplate their slow finish this season, Romo’s choking finish to last season, AND the fact they last won a playoff game in 1996. If the Cowboys beat the Giants for the third time, it won’t be by much.

Pick: New York Giants. Giants lose by two on a field goal with 48 seconds remaining.

Seattle vs Green Bay -8
How can you root for the Seahawks after they knocked out Saint Joe Gibbs and the Washington Redskins last week? They are going to have to pay their penance this week in football’s most hallowed arena, Lambeau Field. Seattle’s offense looked sluggish against the Skins, but eventually the 12th man and Seattle’s defense started to produce points. Gosh, Washington’s LaRon Landry played his heart out. After watching his inspired performance I couldn’t help think about other dominant, what-if teammates like Lewis-Bias, Earl-Street, Hobbs-Bailey and other tragic duos like Landry-Taylor who never had the chance to finish a single season together. Sean Taylor may or may not have made the difference in the fourth quarter of a one-point playoff game last Saturday, but listening to his teammates afterward it was obvious that Sean T definitely made a difference in the lives of many Redskins. Sean, I’m going see you on That day.

Pick: Green Bay Packers. In a 50-point blowout. Goddamn you Seahawks, I hope you burn in hell.