NFL PLAYOFF BREAKDOWN
by Gee Kane

REDSKINS vs SEAHAWKS (-4)
The team that has everything going for it, including its relationship with Lord, versus the team that has defeated no playoff teams since the first week of the season. The forecast for Qwest Field in Seattle is cold and rainy. The Lord will keep the Hawks' pass-happy offense grounded and the Redskins' run-defense plays with nine in the box (counting the spirit of #21). Redskins rookie corner LaRon Landry looks like he has channeled the late Sean Taylor and is now intending to injure someone on every play. But in a good way.

Pick: The Washington Redskins. Hammer the Redskins, the Redskins to win, and especially the under. With the Skins tough defense, modest offense, and Seattle weather, they can’t make this under low enough.

JAGUARS vs STEELERS (even)
Suddenly the Jags have become a sexy pick in the playoffs. I have some pants that I call my "sexy pants”. They are made by Phat Farm, they are velour, shiny, don’t really cover my junk, and are completely inappropriate for a pre-middle-aged Caucasian male. The point? Sexy, despite JT’s efforts, is not always a good thing. The Steelers do have everything going against them. Fast Willie can’t run, their starting left tackle is also done for the year, their home field resembles an Irish golf course, and they lost to this Jags team at home in week 15. There isn’t a single reason to pick the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Pick: The Pittsburgh Steelers. Okay, I thought of one reason: Mike Tomlin. If I were a football player, I would want to play for Mike Tomlin.

GIANTS vs BUCCANEERS (-2.5)
The Giants appear to have a statistical advantage over the Bucs at every skill position. However, Ellie (spelled correctly, trust me) Manning plays for the Giants at the quarterback position. Ellie is what we call a loser. Ellie looks like he has been beaten at everything he has ever played for his entire life. Peyton probably showed no mercy toward Ellie in every backyard game they ever played. I know a little something about beating down a little brother until they basically give up at life. If you look at any picture of Tee’s Weekly founder Tee, you will see a subtle hopelessness. It makes me proud that I instilled that hopelessness in him through endless hours of dunking on his ass in our living room basketball hoop (which was the molding on top of doorway), clotheslining him midway through a pass route in two-hand touch football games, beaming him repeatedly in the head during home run derby contests, and slide tackling him from behind in two-on-two soccer games. Tee, like Ellie, never really believes he should win because he has lost for so long.

Pick: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  The Bucs win by four and get four Ellie turnovers.

TITANS vs CHARGERS (-9.5)
You will hear a lot this week about Norv Turner’s playoff record. Well, Jeff Fisher’s playoff record is nothing to write Canton about at 5-4. However, the Chargers are way in debt in the karma department. They fired their coach last season despite a fantastic regular season, their quarterback looked like a gaping ass hole the way he recently taunted the Broncos, and LaDanian said the Patriots are cheaters. I see this as a close game with the possibility of some late Vince heroics that shock the Chargers.

Pick: The Tennessee Titans. Too many points in a game between two teams that don’t like each other.