ASK THE DOCTOR
Tee's Weekly Sports Psychology Advice Column
With Dr. Rachel Enakmas
Dear Dr. Enakmas,
What do you make of North Carolina’s Roy Williams wearing an enormous Jayhawk on his chest during the Kansas-Memphis national championship game? I wrote him a letter that started, “Roy, don't ever take sides with anyone.... .....against the Family again. Ever."
P. Purhunco
Cleveland, Ohio
Dear P,
I am going to take a deep breath before I answer this question. Whew. Some say, well these two teams don’t really compete – after all they are not in the same conference and rarely play each other – so what’s the big deal? As Demi Moore once said, “I strenuously object.”
Roy Williams asks his players to put their physical heath on the line. College basketball is not a collision sport, but there is contact and people get hurt. We saw Tyler Hansbrough’s nose explode all over his face after a vicious elbow last year. The University of North Carolina men’s basketball team is playing passionately for the color of their jerseys. They are not getting paid. Sure, they have lots and lots of perks and are treated – as my coach used to say – like royalty. In the end though, they are playing for the Carolina blue on their jerseys. I once had a coach grab my jersey in the middle of my chest, twist it, and pull it up right in front of my eyes to show me the color I was playing for. I’ll never forget the deep purple in front of my face.
Roy Williams CANNOT ask his players to give it everything they’ve got on the floor and then put on that silly m***** ******* goofy cartoon blue and crimson Jayhawk on his chest. Tyler Hansbrough is FROM FREAKING MISSOURI! Of course they compete with each other, every second of every single day. Hansbrough was recruited by Kansas! If Roy wants to go coach in the NBA or retire, I don’t care if he wears a Duke or a Kansas State shirt, but while his players are wearing Carolina blue he needs to mind his [edited] wardrobe.
My father is an assistant coach and on his first day 15 years ago, the first thing the head coach told him was never to wear blue shorts to a practice ever again because at James M. Bennett they rock the red and black. Someone needs to grab Roy by his aw-shucks country chest and show him the difference between blue and Carolina blue.
That being said, I like Roy Williams. I often repeat his quote, “the champions get the A wards and the RE wards.” If he wears another Jayhawk, though, I hope he ends up like Fredo.
Dr. Enakmas
Dear Dr. Enakmas,
After Gee reportedly reduced Tee’s Weekly founder Tee to tears after he read the recent article criticizing his college basketball picks, how do you think Tee will handle it — you know psychologically speaking?
Neleh Yedargo
Dublin, Ohio
Dear Neleh,
Tee will initially lapse into a catatonic state, during which he will devour possession-based statistics for hours upon hours until his corneas begin to bleed. Then he will move into a stage called engorgement, which consists of eating 15 pounds of beef and 10 pounds of cheese a week. Then he will write a well-crafted, highly insightful, detailed rebuttal that still doesn’t explain why he likes Dancing with the Stars so much.
Dr. Enakmas
Dear. Dr. Enakmas
I would like to get your thoughts on who is best prepared mentally to beat Tiger Woods at Augusta National this week. However, since the Pope is coming through shortly I wanted to ask you, who is more self-righteous and pompous in the face of scandal, the Pope or Augusta National?
Bernard Francis
Boston, MA
Dear Bernard,
I’ve heard this one before. One walks on water and one walks on women, right? No? Well, anyway I would have to say that the Pope is more pompous. At least Augusta National does not allow its members to speak publicly about club policy. The Pope demands that everyone spread club policy exactly as it is dictated to them and sometimes to do it with, you know, with a little force.
The Masters demands certain things from the media outlets that present the tournament to us, but the media takes it to another level and acts as if it is broadcasting a mass in the Vatican. Jim Nance was spewing flowery nonsense on Thursday as a lead-in to an extra-smaltzy update of the first day’s action as Phil Mickelson was walking over the historic Hogan Bridge on the par-three 12th. The microphone on the bridge was open and we heard him say, “Yeah it would suck if you had to start on hole…” before they cut the volume on the microphone. ESPN and CBS need to calm down a little. The Pope needs to chill the freak out.
To answer your other question, I hate Rory Sabatini as much as the next fan, but as a sports psychologist I enjoy the way he pokes the big tiger in the eye. Tiger finished at even on Thursday; if he finishes within two of the lead after Friday, it’s a wrap and we can start talking about Carnoustie, because Torrey Pines won’t be an open tournament this year. I will enjoy watching Justin Rose fall from his first-round lead. I’m not just being prejudice against the British, I actually like re-re Lee Westwood’s chance this week to beat Tiger.
Dr. Enakmas